worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
