I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
