I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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