I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whoreâ€. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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