My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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