I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize