So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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