I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
