why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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