she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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