actually, I'm a sock model
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
