Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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