First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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