Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize