New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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