Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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