if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
