I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Randomize
