and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
