Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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