Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
