Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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