Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
