just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize