Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
