I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
