you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
my liver is dry heaving
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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