I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
