her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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