my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
