I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Randomize
