I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
