Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
