Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
