Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
