Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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