I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
