i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
