When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Less talking, more tequila
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
