Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
