She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
