The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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