I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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