Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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