Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
