Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
