The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
