Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
