Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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