Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
