Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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