Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
