did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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