Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
