peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
