I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
