I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
