you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
