All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
