there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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