I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
